Old Photos

“It was the way you looked at me
that left my knees weak.
I never wanted those moments to end.”

I look back at old photos of us and wonder where it all went. Back when I was smaller, freer. Open. When I could love you with abandon. Back when I would shamelessly watch your hands move, or stare at your mouth and wonder what your lips tasted like in that moment. I didn’t carry those burdens I hold like boulders on my shoulders.

I look back at old photos of us and wonder where it all went. Back when you were looking at me like I was the most gorgeous creature you’d ever seen, beautiful. Perfect. When you would take every opportunity to hold my hand or touch my skin with your fingertips, just to make sure I was real. Not a figment of your imagination. You looked at me in a way that left my knees weak. And I never wanted those moments to end.

What happened to those days? Why do I feel ashamed at the person I’ve become since then? That I don’t deserve those looks. That I shouldn’t be touched, because I’m just a spectre of who I was. I wonder what is left of me worth loving. Because you deserve so much better than the woman I’ve become.

What happened to those days? Why do I feel like I can’t look at you like before? Like there’s something wrong with wanting you? Like I can’t kiss you despite the screams in my head telling me to just do it. Why do I feel like it’s wrong of me to love you so much? Like you deserve someone that would lift you up, not hold you back.

Why do I feel so broken that I’m breaking us in half, too?

© Sarah Doughty

Can you feel the cracks, too?