Contemplations

“This is where I meet my end.
And I wonder what I’m leaving behind.”

This is where I meet my end. Where the world is no longer technicolor, but monochromatic tones fading into infinite black. A blanket of obsidian. This is where my soul sits. At the edge of oblivion. Wondering where I’m going next. What happens from here. Why this time has come so soon. So suddenly. This, at the opening of an endless chasm — an abyss of nothingness — is where I contemplate my end.

Was it enough? Did I live to the best of my ability? Did my loved ones love me as fiercely as I did for them? What will they remember, now that I’m nothing more than a memory? And I wonder, when I meet my end, will there be anything left of me to look back at how I lived? How I survived? How I loved?

Or will I be nothing?

© Sarah Doughty

Remember this: you are never alone.
You are NEVER nothing.
You matter.
So when you see the sun rise
again for a new day,
try to remember how much
you are loved.

For SH-R.

Sweet Pot

“As his shadow filled my vision,
fear washed over me and I braced
for what was to come.”

The vehemence in his eyes hit me like a brick wall. The chill that traveled down my spine only added to the sense of foreboding. I wasn’t sure what to expect. And I suppose that was the point. Ratcheting up the fear to sweeten the pot. It was something he liked to do. Part of the hunt in his ritualistic hunting grounds. There was no escape. So I was forced to wait and hope that this time, it wouldn’t be so bad.

© Sarah Doughty

I wasn’t always so lucky.
But it could have been
much, much worse.

Floodgates

“When I hear my soul speaking,
I remember you.”

And these are my floodgates. When the world opens up and the rains come crashing down at terminal velocity. When my lungs finally learn how to inhale oxygen once more. When my veins stop pumping blood and instead use ink to sustain me. This. This moment. I come alive. The world goes silent, even though there’s so much noise that surrounds me. Even though the cacophony can be deafening, so can the silence. That is when I hear my soul speaking. That is when I remember you. That is when I think about us.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

That is when I remember us.

Inspired by the lovely @kkfosterlyrics.

Forevermore

“There was one thing I knew
with certainty. I would forever
be powerless against you.”

The warm, spring air nipped at my cheeks. Pricking like tiny knives peppering my flesh in quick succession. It’s the same feeling I have in your presence. It’s as if I’m caught in some spell, feeling your eyes linger upon my skin. I find myself craving more of that sensation. Almost as if it’s a drug and I’m a willing addict. There was one thing I knew with certainty. I would forever be powerless against you.

© Sarah Doughty

And I just couldn’t bring myself to care.

Exceptions

“And it’s here. In this place.
Where I feel you the most.”

And it’s here. In this place. Where I feel you the most. It’s in the grass. The leaves that kick up with the breeze that always seems to smell of you. The way the trees sway, as if they’re dancing to a tune I cannot hear. I long to hear that melody. I long to hear your voice once more. The way you used to speak to me. In those low, secretive ways that only you could master. Under the shade of the trees with the birds singing their songs and the sunbeams slipping between the cracks in the canopy. Together. Those are the moments I remember. And as I stand here alone, in this place we used to call ours, everything is the same as it was. Except for you.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

Except for you.

Inspired by the lovely @kkfosterlyrics.

Warnings

“These are warnings.
Cautionary shadows.
Urging me to watch my step
as the future draws near.”

Tombs beneath my feet echo through my bones. Taunting me. Through unseeing eyes, I feel their inhabitants moving, writhing around to some unheard tune. It nags at my subconscious, as if whispering a question in my ear so low that even I cannot hear it. And though I don’t understand what they’re trying to tell me, I feel their intentions nonetheless. They are warnings. Cautionary shadows. Urging me to watch my step as the future draws near.

© Sarah Doughty

Foreshadowing never felt
so harrowing.

This is what my dreams feel like sometimes. As I sense some impending danger, it manifests in strange ways. Probably to make sure I don’t forget that feeling when I am awake.

Your Darkness

“But I knew what would happen
if I let you in.
Your darkness would consume me.”

I noticed as your eyes lingered on me in the shadows. The way the light seemed to be devoured by them. How not even the stars in the night sky could make them sparkle. But that darkness didn’t deter me. I was already drawn to you. Twin black holes drawing me in. Like I could allow myself to get lost in those eyes and never worry about finding anything else ever again. And oh, how much I wanted to get lost in those eyes.

But I knew. I knew what would happen if I let you in. Your darkness would consume me.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

I wasn’t sure I would mind.

Dreaming Reality

“Monsters slither in shadows.
Like wraiths passing between
light and darkness in nothing
more than a whisper.”

These nightmares taunt me in my sleep, threatening me even while I’m awake. It’s as if I’m in a perpetual state of fearful anticipation. That my reality will shift and the monsters will come alive. In sleep, they slither in shadows. Like wraiths passing between light and darkness in nothing more than a whisper. I’m powerless against them. All I can do is brace for the impact. And hope the dawn will come, forever separating dreams and reality.

© Sarah Doughty

All it takes is the will
to outlast them.

Love And Fear

“Maybe this is the end. The end of us.
And maybe, you won’t disagree.
That scares me the most.”

There’s always that voice in the back of my head, warning me of what may happen one day. The inevitable moment when we are no longer an us, but you and I. When we go our separate ways, alone. I wonder what that moment will feel like. And I try to prepare myself for it. Every day, I prepare myself for those moments to happen, and then the day passes and the fears begin all over again. And sometimes, when you look at me, I think to myself that maybe this is the end. The end of us. And maybe, you won’t disagree. Maybe those will be the words that leave your mouth. And that. That scares me the most.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

Love is always stronger than fear.

My World

“Being with you — no matter
the time or place —
makes everything else worth it.”

When I woke up in the early morning light, I turned to see your sleeping face. The tiny smile quirking at the corner of your mouth made mine pull up in response. This. Mornings with blissful silence, before the day would begin. Brief instances of calm before reality takes over and chaos begins once more. Being with you — no matter the time or place — makes everything else worth it. Through life’s ups and downs, my world is better with you. I was reminded in that moment how fortunate I was, and I didn’t ever want it to end. But at the same time, I didn’t want to take anything for granted.

© Sarah Doughty

Any world is better with you.