Poetry

Light The Fire

“I’m falling apart again
and a few moments of solace
will light the fire in my lungs.
So I can breathe again.”

And I know. I’m falling apart again. Can you see these teardrops gliding down my cheeks? I’ve been hiding this pain for far too long and I’m sinking into darkness. And this desperation flowing through my veins — this feeling of coming apart at the seams — it’s suffocating me. The only thing that seems to hold me together is you. This gravitational pull — like you’re my personal moon. Somehow, it feels like my skin is only being held together by your proximity. And I know that you’re there for me, shining through my darkness. That’s what gives me strength. A few moments of solace. That’s all I need to light the fire in my lungs. So I can breathe again. So I can keep going. That’s what makes me feel alive. You. Here with me. So please hold me until I can put myself back together again.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

Please stay in my orbit.

Poetry

The Peace You Bring

“I felt like an intruder in your heart.
That was what it felt like
when you told me you loved me.”

I am driftwood. Bouncing between who I wanted to be, who I was, and who I was becoming. Always following a current that seemed to pull me in all different directions. I was never at the center. Never steady in one place. Just … drifting. And I suppose that’s why it was so jarring when I finally felt like the world stopped. Because that’s exactly what happened. I hit shore on a beautiful beach with white sand that led to dense trees and mountains beyond. I felt like an intruder, amongst so much beauty in your heart. But it seemed everything welcomed me with open arms. As if I belonged there all along. That was what it felt like when you told me you loved me. One minute I was seasick, and the next, I was safe on warm sand that enveloped me like your arms.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

This is the peace
you bring to me.

Poetry

In Mourning

“I mourned the loss
of everything that was — me.”

It was still night when the storm passed, I looked at the rubble that surrounded me. What was once a beautiful landscape, save for one darkened corner I never dared to enter, was nothing but broken parts of what used to be my home. And as I mourned the loss of everything that was — me — I realized it shouldn’t still be dark. Under a moonless sky, with only a few twinkling stars, I began to shiver. I knew then what happened. That darkness spread outward like a tidal wave, destroying everything in its path. It revealed so much more than I ever thought possible. It revealed what I never wanted to know. It revealed how broken I really was. How trapped I was, in the darkness. It was only after the initial shock subsided that I realized I was no longer alone. There were creatures all around me. Whispering. Taunting. Snarling. Yet they were hidden from view. I waited for them to attack, but they never came. Eventually, I labeled each one. Shame, Doubt, Fault, Guilt, Fear. Only one was given a true name — the monster I feared my whole life — Father.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

And there they remain,
in the darkness of my mind.
My demons.

This is what it feels like
to have everything
fall down around you.
This is what it feels like
to remember the darkest
time of your life.

Poetry

Choices And Burdens

“I wondered if there was
a place for me in your heart.
But then you said I was the one.”

Sometimes, in the beginning, I wondered if there was a place for me in your heart. I thought about how amazing you were and that you were the best part of my life, but there was a darker side you had yet to meet. That side of me, I thought, wasn’t something anyone should have to deal with. Because all the tears that pain and hurt caused couldn’t match the pouring rain in a monsoon. Why would anyone want a burden like that by choice? So that’s what I thought I was. A burden. I couldn’t pull you through that hell with me. And when I tried to pull away, you stopped me. It wasn’t my decision to make, you said. That was something you needed to decide. And then you said your heart already decided that I was the one. I still remember that moment like it happened yesterday. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

© Sarah Doughty

So thank you.
For choosing me.
All of me.

Poetry

The Hollow Dark

“When I am falling apart,
a hollowness begins to set in.
That’s how this darkness feels.”

When I am falling apart, a hollowness begins to set in. It feels like a still lake in the midst of a clear night in the fall. The dark ripples lap at the shore, and you can only see the silhouette of things drifting along the surface. That’s how this emptiness feels. That’s how this darkness feels. Bottomless. Limitless. And that is when I feel like nothing can go right. But if I look close enough, I can see stars glittering against that same surface. I can see the crescent of the moon. Rippling, too. In moments like that, I’m reminded that hollow darkness is only temporary.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

It is only temporary.

Poetry

Sweet Revenge

“This r e v e n g e of mine
tastes so much sweeter knowing
I’ve risen off the ground
and left my darkness behind.”

I remember, when I was little, how much I dreamt about. I remember wondering if I would escape my dark world and find my way to the other side. I remember wondering what my future would look like if I did. And I knew, as I hit the floor, that if I made it, I wouldn’t waste it. I wouldn’t be anything like the man that took so much of me. The one that robbed me of my childhood. I knew I would find a way to pick myself back up and overcome. I knew I was born for more than what he wanted from me.

And I didn’t care how long it took, but I was determined to dream. Not to chase them — because true dreamers will find a way to make them a reality. And that’s what I’ve done. I might be far from perfect, but that list of dreams — every little thing I ever wanted, but was told I would never have — has dwindled. The future made room for me. My dreams have been realized, and with every passing day, I move closer and closer to knowing, with every part of myself, that I won the fight of my life. I beat him, and a carved a life for myself.

That is how I have overcome him. That is how I’ve survived this long. That r e v e n g e of mine tastes so much sweeter when I know I’ve risen off the ground and left him in the past.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

I rose above
the thing he made of me,
and became so much more.

The darkness is just a memory
that haunts me now.

Poetry

What I Need

“Wanting is one thing,
but need is entirely different.
I needed you and you were mine.”

I find myself thinking about the what ifs. What would I be doing if my circumstances were different. If I could live wherever I wanted. But then I reign myself back in. Because reality is what it is, and I have what I need. Wanting is one thing, but need is entirely different. I needed to write, so I write. I needed you and you were mine. That is always something to be grateful for.

It was always you. Yes, you. No matter who you are, where you are, or how you look, or how we are connected. You are here, reading these words. My soul is connected with yours in this one, finite moment.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

Thank you for being here with me.

Poetry

Eras

“And then there’s you.
You were, and always will be,
my epic love.”

When the season changes from summer to fall, and then steadily towards winter, I’m reminded that we, as people, have seasons too. On a cellular level, we shed our old selves and become new again. In a way, I find that quite romantic. How we can try to follow that same mentality when it comes to our experiences, our triumphs, our failures — our eras?

My childhood was the dark ages. I’m not sure what I would call my current phase. But that’s okay. I’m on a beautiful journey. And the best part of it all is that I’m not alone. There have been friends that have come and gone. There are friends that remain. The ones that lift me up as I try to do the same for them. They are irreplaceable. They are home. And then there’s you. You were, and always will be, my epic love. My greatest strength. My weakness, if only in the ruin that would remain if I lost you.

So, if you’re reading this, thank you for being a part of this era of my life.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

Thank you for being
on this journey with me.

Poetry

A Life Of Worth

“Thank you for loving me
and making life worth living.”

I have spent enough time living in hell to know that this is far from it. In comparison, it’s like a bump in the road. But if it weren’t for you, and your unwavering support, it wouldn’t have been a bump in the road. It would have been a new kind of hell. So thank you, for being here. Thank you for making life better. A little easier. Thank you for loving me and making life worth living.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

Because life isn’t easy.
I never claimed it was.
But loving you
changes everything.

Poetry

Never Again

“I promised myself that I would stop
writing about you. This is that time.”

I promised myself time and time again that I would stop writing about you. About how I miss you in a way that feels like a hole was left behind in my chest. It was never meant to last, I see that now. And I admit, I’m loyal to a fault. But enough is enough. I need to let you go, because whatever we shared was never real, as I thought. I’m not being fair to myself. I don’t deserve to torture myself over you any longer. So, this is that time. To forgive myself. And to finally move on from you.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

I don’t deserve
this self-inflicted torture
I’m putting myself through.