Burn Me Down

“And oh, what a sweet burn it was,
being with you.”

Being with you felt like dancing with the devil in a downpour of freezing rain. It was exhilarating and every nerve in my body was screaming from the onslaught of emotions and sensations. It felt like you’d struck a match and my entire body was engulfed in flames in a matter of seconds. And oh, what a sweet burn it was. I could turn to ash and not bother to care. Because in those moments, while we were together, it was worth it.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

It was so worth it.

Here To Stay

“I know you’re scared.
And I know you’ve been hurt.
But I’m not going anywhere.”

“No,” he said, “you can’t take the easy way out and run from this.” His hand reached toward mine and he put my hand against his chest, right over his heart, stopping the hurricane of doubts in my head. “I know you’re scared. I know you’ve been hurt. But I love you. I’m not going anywhere. And this heart beats only for you.”

Words escaped me as I tried to choke back the tears — not just the helpless ones, the ones that streamed down my face as I broke my own heart — but, for once, there were tears of happiness. As my heart mended its cracks, I didn’t hesitate. I crashed into him and hugged him tight. His arms held me up. Held me together. And I knew I’d never have to be afraid again. I didn’t need to push him away, because he was determined to stay.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

Sometimes all anyone needs
is a little reassurance.

Implosions

“I would sacrifice everything to see
your smile every minute
for the rest of my life.”

The moment our eyes met, I was lost. The colors in your eyes felt like swimming in a Technicolor kaleidoscope. It was a flood of glittering, sunlit seas in the mid-winter Atlantic. It was spellbinding. And I never wanted to look away. But when I saw that smile spread across your lips, it felt like my world imploded. I would sacrifice everything to see that smile every minute for the rest of our lives.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

It would be worth it
to stay lost at sea forever.

Stolen And Kept

“In those few seconds, I realized
she had already stolen my heart.”

It was the way she looked at the moon that caught my attention. How she took her time, assessing every crevasse, every blemish that marked that silvery face. All the while, I couldn’t resist doing the same for her. I wondered where she got that scar over her eyebrow, why she tried to hide her dimples, and why her lip curled just a little as she concentrated. Those few seconds were all it took for me to realize that she had already stolen my heart.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

I wished one wish that night.
That she would keep my heart safe.

Sleepy Smiles

“In his arms, I was safe.
I couldn’t help but smile
as sleep took me away.”

A small smile crept across his lips and he motioned me to move toward him. I snuggled against his side and his arms wrapped around me, which only made me melt further into him. With my ear just above his heart, I heard that beating within his chest like it was a melody I’d heard since infancy. It was comforting. Safe. I felt the warmth of his breath hitting the top of my head just before a low whisper passed his lips, “This is home.” I couldn’t help but smile as sleep took me away.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

This is home for me too.
Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day.

You Were There

“What mattered was that I needed you.
And you were there.”

It feels like you’re miles away, yet you’re right next to me. Skin to skin. I can feel your warmth as you hold me together with the strength of your arms. And I wonder if you know how much I needed your strength tonight. I wonder if you know just how much I was crumbling. You didn’t need to ask, because, to you, it didn’t matter. What mattered was that I needed you. And you were there.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

You were there to hold me together.

The Reason

“For better or worse, I am me.
Because I refused to let you
be the reason I would fail.”

I am the reason, you said. The result of what’s left after the darkness fulfilled your needs. After this wolf sunk his teeth into his meal, I am the resulting creature. I have to remind myself that this isn’t a dream I can wake from. That the predator prowling in the dark is everywhere. In the very air I breathe. The frayed carped beneath my bare skin. It’s not something I can escape. And that aftertaste that lingers on my tongue is just an echo of what you savored like it was your last meal. It’s just another reminder of how far you’d go to get your fill.

I am the reason for you. Forever your prey. Always at your mercy.

© Sarah Doughty

I am the reason
the me I am today exists at all.
Because I refused to let you be
the reason I would fail.

Wrong

“When you ask me what’s wrong,
I don’t know how to answer.”

When you ask me what’s wrong, I honestly don’t know how to answer. I can feel that I’m slipping over the edge of an endless abyss. But I don’t know what awaits at the bottom. I don’t know if it’s just one of those chasms that makes everything disappear, or if it’s going to be something good. Like light. Or hope. Or, maybe, it’s just a means of breaking me down into my last remaining pieces, each one no bigger than a grain of sand. And here, at this edge, time seems to drag on as I try to hold on. I want to keep trying, but something is going to give and I know it’s only a matter of time before I sink.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

How can I tell you what’s wrong,
when I don’t even know?

When I wrote this, I was reminded
of Bing Bong from Inside Out. That strange
cotton candy/raccoon/dolphin/elephant hybrid
that was Riley’s imaginary friend in her early years.
The Memory Dump, where old memories go to die,
was where Bing Bong selflessly and happily met his end.

Take her to the moon for me, okay?

Carvings

“My heart was laid bare
and your name was carved
into its walls.”

The silver blade flashed against the moonlight and though I couldn’t be sure, I thought I heard it sing as it sliced through the air. It was as if the silver were alive. And it danced to some melody only it could hear. When it connected to raw flesh, it cut with precision down to the bone in one clean swipe, leaving behind a searing, white hot pain that wouldn’t let go. That’s what it felt like when I first laid my eyes upon you. It was as if your soul cut through every defense I had like it was nothing. In an instant, my heart was laid bare and your name was carved into its walls.

© Sarah Doughty

Somehow being so vulnerable made me feel free.
It was exhilarating.

My Everything

“And I owe you everything.
Because you saved me from myself.
You became my everything.”

Tonight, it feels like you’re miles away from me. And all that’s left is me and the moon. It’s not yet full, but it’s still glowing through my windows, reminding me that I’m not alone. I know that no matter how much sleep I lose, or how much agony I feel, you will be there waiting for me with open arms. And I know that is the comfort I really need.

I don’t know if there are enough words to tell you how much I love you for that. But not just for being my rock. For being there. No matter where my moods were swinging. No matter when I couldn’t speak through my tears. You’ve made me laugh, you’ve given me tears of genuine happiness. And I owe you everything. I owe you my undying gratitude for being the one that saved me from myself. For being the one person that understands me on a level no one else ever has. For standing still when my mind travels light years away, and waiting patiently for me to return again.

What can I possibly say to encompass what you mean to me? You are my everything. And I thank my lucky stars and the moon every night for a chance to see another day.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

It’s you. It’s always been you.