One Package

“Don’t you see? Darling, all I want is you.”

Don’t you see? All I want is you. Nothing else matters. And nothing ever will. I suppose that’s what love really is — sacrifice. But it doesn’t seem that way. At least to the ones in love. When it comes to love, it’s not giving anything up. It’s never too fast. Too slow. Too much. Or too little. It’s getting everything you’ve ever wanted in one package. So, don’t you see? Because all I want is you.

© Sarah Doughty

All I want is you. Just you.

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Afterlife With You

“As long as I’m with you,
I don’t care where I end up.”

I’ve always wondered if such a place as heaven existed. I’ve wondered what it takes to get beyond those gates. But in the end, I realized — as long as I’m with you — I don’t care where I end up. If there is an afterlife for someone like me, the only one I want is with you.

So please, tell me you want the same thing.

© Sarah Doughty

Let’s spend eternity together.

What Is Coming

“In the end, not knowing what will
come of me — of us — is killing me.”

Sometimes I think maybe my skin is the only thing keeping me together. Or maybe it’s the one thing holding me back from becoming who I’m supposed to be. Like a butterfly emerging from its protective chrysalis. Only I think it’s more of a madness than any kind of physical transformation. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not, but it scares me. Because in the end, not knowing what will come of me — of us — is what has me hesitating. The last thing I want or need is to be separated even further from you. So please, I beg you. Hold me together tonight and then we can face this tomorrow.

© Sarah Doughty

Like always, we do it together.

Hubris

“I wish I could tell you want you meant to me
when it could’ve made a difference.”

I just wish there was some way I could tell you want you meant to me when it could’ve made a difference. I knew you weren’t happy, but who was these days? I figured you’d find your way to the other side. But I never meant that literally. You stopped living, as though you were just a shell. You stopped caring about your well-being, rather than treating yourself like a fragile piece of glass. I should’ve known where you were headed. Maybe it was denial, maybe I just didn’t see. Or maybe it was my own hubris, knowing I was right. That you’d be okay. But in the end, it was my inaction that led you to an early grave. And this guilt I carry on my shoulders will be here for the rest of my life.

© Sarah Doughty

This will haunt me
until my heart stops beating.

Chipping Away

“All I want is to tell you how much I need you,
but no sound escapes my throat.”

This is one of those nights, with the first light of morning just creeping over the horizon, that I contemplate my place in this world. When my world is fast asleep and I’m wide awake, it’s the silence that gets me. The eerie calm that has washed over everything in the night. I find myself envious, because I’m not at peace. I’ve forgotten what that feels like. So I do the only thing I can, in these long, lonely moments — I grieve for all that has been lost. And I remain hopeful that I’ll have another day to try again. But deep down, I know. I’ll fail again. Just as I’ve done for what seems like forever now. Failing has become a part of who I am. I know it would help if I could just tell you how much I need you, but every time I try to speak, no sound escapes. And that hurts me far more than it should. Far more than I should allow. But it does. Slowly chipping away pieces of me.

© Sarah Doughty

I just wonder how many
pieces are left.

Best Kept Secret

“I should’ve known that you’d see
how much I loved you.”

You see, I loved you, before I even realized what happened. One second I was my own person, and then you were the missing piece I never realized was gone at all. I wanted to take it back. To keep my heart to myself. Because, for me, nothing good ever came from trusting — let alone loving another creature. But my heart was just as stubborn as I was. So I decided on another alternative. Pretend nothing happened. Bury my heart in the sand and never let you know how I felt for you. You should have been my best kept secret. But I should’ve known you’d see right through me. You knew the instant our eyes made contact that I’d fallen for you. You knew just how much I loved you.

© Sarah Doughty

My eyes betrayed me first,
and then my heart
refused to stay buried.

Not Knowing

“Maybe that was what frightened me so much.
Not knowing if you loved me back.”

We were already on unsteady ground, darling. You just didn’t see it yet. We were inching closer to that precipice — the edge that would mean either turning around and going back the way we came, or falling into oblivion. The only problem was that our feet weren’t moving. With building terror, we reached the end of the line. And I didn’t know what you would do. Would you jump with me, or would you let me fall to my death? Would you let me fall knowing I would love you, and refuse to do the same for me?

Maybe that was what scared me the most. The nonchalance on your face. As if you were aware of nothing going on around us. But then the ground fell beneath my feet and I knew it was too late. I couldn’t see you, and feared I would crash. I squeezed my eyes closed, waiting for the end to come. And I counted the seconds. One, two three. Nothing happened. I opened my eyes and found that I was at the bottom. You held me in your arms with a small smile and said, “I was yours long ago.” The words stole my breath and it took me a moment to compose myself. Instead of responding, I reached up and kissed you, because no words would ever suffice.

© Sarah Doughty

No words could explain
how much I loved you.

Jumpstarts

“You and I. That’s how it was meant to be.”

You and I. That’s how it was meant to be. We were sparks and music, and you brought me to life. Like a jumpstart beneath the stars. And suddenly, my heart beat once more. After so long of feeling like I was a lost cause, something that was broken beyond recognition, someone that could never heal or be the same ever again. You healed me, but you also left me feeling terror. We were in perfect harmony, and I lived in the moment like it could be our last. Because it could be.

You and I. That’s how it was meant to be. We were parts of a puzzle that fit perfectly together. Like the sun finally exploded into life and you became my shadow. Like you were the sun blazing in a cloudless sky. Suddenly, my eyes needed to adjust, and I didn’t mind. You put me back together, and I can only hope I was the missing piece in your life too. Because otherwise, I’m just a melody waiting for a broken chorus to turn me into a sad song.

© Sarah Doughty

So please, don’t ever go.
Let this song keep on playing.

No Mercy

“You see, I wanted you, but I didn’t need you.”

Surrender was never an option. You see, I wanted you, but I didn’t need you. The last thing I needed was to feel like giving away my heart would rescue me. I didn’t need anyone to love me, because I had a backbone that allowed me to stand on my own two feet without a crutch. I didn’t need a savior. And this war I wage within me is no one’s fight but my own. I didn’t need a knight to stand in front of me, just someone in my corner. Someone to push me to get back on my feet if I fell down. And until the day came that you understood, I would never surrender this broken heart of mine.

© Sarah Doughty

I wanted you in my corner,
not to fight for me.

Don’t Look Away

“Don’t look away, darling.
My brokenness is reflected in your eyes.”

Can you feel it too? How we share a similar haunted past? What it means to feel like there’s nothing left of you but a husk — a memory in a living body? Who we were then, and what we’ve become now? When we felt whole and happy, and the moment it all changed — when the world turned into the dark place we know so well today?

So please, darling. Don’t look away. We feel alone, but at the same time, we are in this together. You don’t have to feel so lost. Because I’m here.

I’m always here. In the dark. With you.

© Sarah Doughty

In the dark with you.