I Am A Mask

“All I am is a mask, trying to cover
all this pain I feel.”

Sometimes, on the surface, I seem like a perfectly happy person with this perfectly happy life and a loving family. Though I don’t talk about them in detail much, I can say that my life is far from perfect. I still have pain every day. I still have habits I developed as a child as both a coping mechanism and an attempt at making myself undesirable by the man that abused me every night. Though that last part failed, the coping did help to an extent, which is probably why I still use it today. But mostly, underneath it all, I’m not just in pain. I’m suffering. The guilt I carry every day over what happened then, and what I carry now, for not being okay, is almost too much for me to bear. But I do it. And I will keep doing it for a long as it takes.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

It’s not just my family
that deserves normalcy,
but I deserve it too.
And that, right there
is a step in the right direction.
I deserve it too.

Understand

“I guess, what I’m asking is,
do you even care to understand?”

Didn’t you know? I live with this pain every day. Not just emotional scars that seem branded into my memories. My personality. My entire being. It’s so much more than emotional pain. There’s physical pain as well. Like my body doesn’t know how to relax, no matter how much I tell myself that there’s no danger. No threat. My muscles remain tense, my senses on alert. Can you fathom how it feels to hold your own weight on your shoulders, never able to release? Can you fathom why I suffer so much? Why it felt like you ripped my heart from my chest and tossed it away, like it was a burden? I guess, what I’m asking is, do you even care to understand?

© Sarah Doughty
2018

Do you even care at all?

My Ghost

“Darling, I’m lost without you.
You left me here in the darkness.”

Darling, I’m lost without you. Because, every time, I turn to you, and you’re like a ghost. I feel like I lost a limb when you left me in the darkness. And the hardest part is that you probably don’t even know what you’ve done.

And maybe that’s what you are. My ghost.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

You broke my heart.

Making Sense

“Darling, nothing else makes sense
but you and me.”

Darling, nothing else makes sense but you and me. So please, tell me you’ll stay. Tell me you’re here. For the rest of our lives. Tell me that we will grow old and gray together. Tell me we will still be happy until our last days. Because, I could use a reminder now and again that you love me just as much as I love you.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

Reminders never hurt.
Always tell the one you love
how you feel.

Fresh Start

“You are amazing. And no matter what,
you deserve to be loved.”

Let me start by saying you’re amazing. When it comes to love, well, love is love is love. No matter what you’ve been through, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be loved like the world begins and ends with you. It doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be happy. To be loved. To make a fresh start and live your life fulfilled.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

It’s never too late to start.

Could Have Been

“And I hope you know how much
I wish things could have been.”

There is just something
about the calm of night.
It speaks to me
like a breath on the wind.
And sometimes.
Sometimes, I whisper back
in hopes that you’ll hear them
and know how much
I wish things could have been.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

What could have been.

Tidal Waves

“It was you. You hit me like a tidal wave.
There was no going back. And I was okay with that.”

It was you. You hit me like a tidal wave. I spent my whole life trying to find my way, but I was just stumbling. One day, just like the flip of a switch, the lights turned on. There I stood, right in the middle of a crowded room. I didn’t know how, but I could sense you were nearby. My future. When I spotted you, it was like the world paused for an instant. I saw you and those eyes of yours. I was spellbound by their depths. Like the ocean couldn’t compare to the blue that shone through them. But it wasn’t just your eyes, it was everything about you. It was like you were waiting for me too. Right then, I knew, there was no going back. I never wanted to. And I was okay with that.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

You swept me off my feet
and I didn’t mind.

The Lucky One

“And darling, I have no words.
How can I possibly tell you
how much you mean to me?”

I’m not sure words can ever express how much you mean to me. Not just for being the person you are. But for everything you’ve done for me. Everything you’ve sacrificed. Everything you stood for, and held me up when I couldn’t stand on my own two feet. You’ve been there. Through the good. Through the bad. Through it all, you’ve been a solid structure I’ve needed to keep myself from drowning. And darling, I have no words. How can I possibly tell you how much you mean to me? How can I possibly tell you that you’ve saved me over and over again? And that I’m here, following my dreams, because of you?

With every beat of my heart and every breath that I take, I remind myself that you gave me the strength to survive. And I may not have known you back then, but I knew you were out there, waiting for me. You, my love, have always been my strength. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I’m the lucky one.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

I’m the lucky one.

Back To You

“Because, darling, I’ll make my way back to you.
If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll find a way.”

Maybe this is how it’s all supposed to be. If you believe in fate, that is. I got lost inside myself. Trapped in a prison within my head. Thoughts never ending. Never slowing down. Never allowing me to be who I am. But I’m determined. Can you see it? This determination in my eyes? If we are meant to be, we will be again. I have to believe that. And I hope you’ll still be there, waiting for me. Because, darling, I’ll make my way back to you. If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll find a way back to you.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

Wait for me, please.
I’m coming.

My Philosophy

“When I feel your heart beating,
I know I am yours.”

I’ve always wondered how to define the difference between living and existing? I wonder if I’ve spent most of my life existing, rather than truly living. But in those calm moments when I feel your heart beating, I’m reminded that, if nothing else, I’ve lived. I’ve known love. I’ve known sacrifice. I’ve known pain, joy, guilt, passion, and everything in between. So how could I say I’ve merely existed? I’ve done so much more than that. I feel it in your heartbeat. I hear it in your voice.

That is how I know I’m living. That is how I know I’m so much more than a simple being. I am yours. I am always yours.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

Yours, for my whole existence.