How Lost I Am

“How can words express
how lost I am and will forever be
without you?”

And it is here, in this moment, after everything has fallen into silence, that I begin to crumble. It is here when I realized the full extent of your loss. The emptiness of my future, looking forward and knowing you won’t be by my side. As I stand with my hands open, palms up towards the sky, reality crashes down as I know I’ll never know the feel of your skin again. I’ll never know the taste of your lips, the smell of you, or hear the sound of your voice. In that moment, my heart shatters, knowing all I ever knew of you would forever be locked in my memory. And perhaps, that’s what hurts the most — not just losing you, but realizing my future will no longer have you in it.

© Sarah Doughty
2019

How can words
express how lost
I am and will
forever be without you?
How could I ever
fill this void
you’ve left behind?

Inspired by the hero
of my next novel of the
Earthen Witch Universe series.

Offerings

“I wish I was worthy of you.
Because darling, you deserve so much more
than what I have to offer.”

Everything I’ve done, every choice I’ve made, and ever step I’ve taken has brought me closer to you. Though it still seems as though we are miles apart, I can’t help but wonder how things might be different if that barrier never existed between us at all. If all the pain I endured was nothing more than a bad dream and the love I felt for you would outlast both space and time — maybe then, I could’ve been someone worthy of you. Because darling, you deserve so much more than what I have to offer. You always have. And I can’t help but question what makes you stay.

© Sarah Doughty
2019

Either way, I’m grateful
to have you.
For being everything
I’ve ever needed
and more.

Destined To Love

“At last, my mind and heart
were in agreement. You were the one
I was meant to love.”

Ah, but you see, my faith in you was never a question. My heart knew what it wanted. It found everything it ever needed to mend itself and begin to heal. It found a place where it knew it would always be safe. It was my mind that needed convincing. Because it was illogical to fall in love with a best friend. It called into question so many what ifs and doubts of the future should something between us go wrong. That wasn’t something I wanted to lose. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you. It didn’t matter that my heart found its home. My mind feared the worst if I gave in. But I couldn’t deny what I felt. And, as they say, the rest was history. At last, my mind and heart were in agreement. You were the one I was always meant to love.

© Sarah Doughty
2019

And you always
will be.

Tribes

“Perhaps, this is where
my wildest dreams came true.
Because this is where I found you.”

Perhaps, this is where I learned what it meant to become something beyond my wildest dreams. The kinds of dreams where kids look up into the night sky and imagine they’re astronauts, exploring some new galaxy. The kinds of dreams where little girls turn into strong, steadfast women who need no saving. This is where I began to believe it was possible to find happiness. Where love and genuine care truly existed. Not just in fairy tales. Because this is where I found my home. Not a place. Not just one person, either. I found my happy ending in finding the ones that see me for who I am and take me as I am without hesitation.

© Sarah Doughty
2019

This is what it means
to find your tribe.
This is what it means
to find home.

The Lasting Kind

“Don’t you see? I loved you.
But we were never meant to last.”

Don’t you see? We were never meant to last. Telling half-truths and hoping for a better future, one that would move mountains to bring us together. In my naïvety, I believed they were truth. And I let you in. I let you see my heart. I let you in. I wanted to love you with abandon, and though I did love you, somewhere along the way, rationality kicked in and I saw each and every flaw of us. So I let the end come. And tore my heart out in the process. Sometimes I wonder, if I remained in that steadfast state of dreaming of what we could be, what would we have been? Could we have found our way to each other?

© Sarah Doughty
2019

These things, especially in the quiet,
are what haunt me the most.
I wonder what I lost.

Dreaming Of You

“Sometimes when I dream,
I don’t want to wake up.
Because there, I’m with you.”

Sometimes when I dream, I don’t want to wake up. It’s like I become someone else. It’s like I’m unchained at last, experiencing life from new eyes. Every sense is heightened. I see a kaleidoscope of color. I feel every sound. Hear every touch. But my favorite is the taste. The taste of you. The scent of your aftershave upon my lips as I say your name. It takes my breath away. And when I awake, I grieve that loss of you. At least I can tell myself that if I don’t have you, I still have me. That counts for something, right?

© Sarah Doughty
2019

If I don’t
have you,
I have the memory
of you.

These Walls

“Brick by brick, this barrier surrounding
my heart is beginning to suffocate me.”

There’s a disconnect in my soul. Can you feel it, too? I’ve been hiding away, wallowing in my own misery. I’ve been erecting walls to protect me from getting hurt. And though a precious few already knew their way in, I still try to keep everyone at arm’s length. Brick by brick, this barrier surrounding my heart is beginning to suffocate me. I need more. I need that connection. I need to feel like I’m free, and not this caged creature wondering what happened. I need more. I need to be free again.

© Sarah Doughty
2019

Won’t you help me
find my way through
this suffering?

Underneath It All

“This is what it means to be me.
And it barely scratches the surface.”

This pain I feel. It’s a tangible, searing pain ripping through my body. It spreads out through my nerves like a wildfire and I cannot help but gasp out from the intensity. The ache it leaves behind is almost worst. Because the initial pain is fleeting, and I know that it will come to an end. It’s the aftermath that haunts me. When my body locks up and my muscles contract, leaving me feeling like I’ve been stretched out far too much and my muscles are screaming at me to let them shrink back to their normal size. But I know they won’t. They remain like that for days, sometimes weeks or months at a time.

This is what it means to live with just one aspect of fibromgalgia. It doesn’t even cover the other symptoms, the complex PTSD, and near-constant migraines that plague me.

© Sarah Doughty
2019

This is what it means
to be me.
And it barely
scratches the surface.

Know This

“My love, I want you to know
how much I love you and all that you are.”

My love, I want you to know everything I’ve ever felt for you. I want you to understand how much I tried to be everything you deserved and more. How I wanted your life to be happy and safe. But it’s never that easy. Life is beautiful and tragic all at the same time. No matter how much we hope and pray, sooner or later, we will learn both sides of that coin. But for now, and as long as I can, I want nothing more than to protect you from that darkness. I want you to feel loved. With abandon. And never be afraid to love someone the same way. I hope you know how much I love you and all that you are. And no matter where you are, you will always carry a piece of me.

© Sarah Doughty
2019

I am always
with you.

End Of Everything

“I wonder how I managed to find you.
How all the pieces of the puzzle
that was made of us came together.”

At the ending of everything, I often wonder what would have happened if there was a continuation. I wonder what the trees would whisper late into the night when the moon hits its apex. I wonder what the rain would wash away if it only kept going for another day. I wonder how I managed to find you. At that moment. In that room. How all the pieces fell into place like they were pieces of a puzzle that was made of us. And sometimes, I wonder if this constant state of feeling like I’m at the edge of oblivion will finally come to an end. Would that deep abyss cease to exist? Or would I be able to tell my feet to slowly back away from the unknown that awaits me from below.

© Sarah Doughty
2019

But no matter the question I ask,
I know the answers are always unknown.
Until the end comes.