Poetry

Little Things

“You see, it wasn’t one thing that spelled
the end for us. It was all those little things.”

Have we come to this point? Is this really the end of us? Did something so small and inconsequential break down everything we built? Everything that made us real. Everything that made us last. Everything that made up the foundation of us.

Looking back, I see the fault lines, and those tremors that deepened the cracks just a little further over time. You see, it wasn’t one thing that spelled the end for us. It was all those little things. Left unchecked. Left to fester. And before we knew it, always and forever became here and now. A horizon that couldn’t be crossed unless we went our separate ways.

© Sarah Doughty

This was written in response to the #NovemberNotes challenge. Today’s inspiration was Don’t Speak by No Doubt.

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Poetry

Silent Serenades

“Would you prove me wrong? And let me be in your arms for one night.”

What if I was wrong? To keep you away from me. As if it might protect you from all the darkness and pain that surrounds me in this perpetual night. What if I was wrong to make that decision for you? Even though there’s a crack through the middle of my soul. Even if I’m not lost? Even if I’m not found? Even if I’m everywhere and nowhere? Everyone and no one? Even if there’s a million ways to run away, what if I was wrong about you? And you want to be here with me tonight. Would I still want you to go? Would you still want to stay? What a sad, silent song it is that I play on repeat.

Would you prove me wrong? And let me be in your arms for one night.

© Sarah Doughty

This was written in response to the #NovemberNotes challenge. Today’s inspiration was If I Be Wrong by Wolf Larsen.

Poetry

Goodbyes

“Maybe it was naïve of me. To fall in love so quickly.”

Maybe it was naïve of me. To fall in love so quickly, but to keep you at arm’s length. The more time I spent in your presence, the more frightened I became. And even though it broke your heart every time, you still waited for me to come back. Until that last time. You closed that door and refused to unlock it for me ever again. It makes sense that you gave up on us, because I never really gave us a chance. I silently said goodbye long before you ever did. For all those times I failed to tell you how much you meant to me, I’m sorry. I was always better at running away than actually letting myself love completely. Implicitly. It was one of the hardest lessons I ever learned: If I say goodbye, I need to be ready for it to be said back to me.

© Sarah Doughty

This was written in response to the #NovemberNotes challenge. Today’s inspiration was Too Good At Goodbyes by Sam Smith.

Poetry

What About Us?

“Your answer is always the same, ‘Because I listen to my heart.’
And until that answer changes, there’s hope for us.”

After everything that went wrong, and all that’s happened through the years, why do we keep coming back to the start? Do we think the outcome will be different this time? There’s not enough glue to put me back together again. I’m not even sure I was ever whole at all. So why do you keep insisting I am your happiness? I am broken and you can’t fix me. So how can we ever end with a happily ever after?

Your answer is always the same, “Because I listen to my heart.” And until that answer changes, there’s hope for us.

© Sarah Doughty

This was written in response to the #NovemberNotes challenge. Today’s inspiration was What About Us by P!nk.

Poetry

Outshine Stars

“Just for one night, let’s burn everything down
until you and I come undone.”

With only one night, I knew how to make our time count. By believing all we had was tonight and that tomorrow would never come. By letting my fingers travel over your skin in all the right places. Setting your nerves on fire. Devouring your gasps and replacing them with heated cries. Quickening your heartbeat and sending gasoline through your veins, only to light it on fire. Just for one night, let’s be comets and outshine the stars. Just for one night, let’s burn everything down until you and I come undone.

© Sarah Doughty

This was written in response to the #NovemberNotes challenge. Today’s inspiration was Wise Enough by Lamb.

Poetry

Purity

“Because,” he began, placing her hand over his heart,
“you are everywhere that is beautiful and pure.”

She’s been broken and scattered to the wind so many times, pieces of her have crossed the seas and passed through foreign lands. Her soul was never meant to be divided. This storm was never supposed to be hers to bear alone. So when she asked him, “How can I see the beauty of this world without being whole?” he knew the answer.

“Because,” he began, placing her hand over his heart, “you are everywhere that is beautiful and pure. You are right here. In my heart. Right in front of me. And all I see is the woman that made me whole.”

© Sarah Doughty

This was written in response to the #NovemberNotes challenge. Today’s inspiration was Broken Vessels by Hillsong United.

Poetry

Hold On

“So I tell myself, ‘Hold on just a little while longer,
and it’ll be alright.'”

For so long, I’ve been low. Thoughts cross my mind about death. How my loss wouldn’t be profound. How everyone would be better off without me holding them back. For so long, I’ve been miserable. Thinking about the relief that would come if I just gave up.

But for much longer, I’ve had hope. I’ve had dreams. Dreams that have come true. Maybe not in the fairy tale sense, but still a reality. I’ve overcome so much, survived more than anyone should in their entire lifetime. So I tell myself, “Hold on just a little while longer, and it’ll be alright.”

Life is so damn hard sometimes, and living can be even harder. But that doesn’t mean there’s no hope for a better tomorrow.

© Sarah Doughty

Suicide is never the answer. If you ever feel like you’re sliding down that slope, reach out. Talk to someone. If you don’t, reach out to a friend or a relative and tell them how much you value them.

This was written in response to the #NovemberNotes challenge. Today’s inspiration was 1-800-273-8255 by Logic ft. Alessia Cara & Khalid.

Poetry

Magnificence

“My heart didn’t explode in my chest from your absence.
I didn’t crumple to the ground and sob.
No, this time darling, I smiled.”

I took slow, steady steps through a tall field of grass, feeling the blades tickle against my palms. The sun peeked through the clouds, and I felt its warmth on my face. And when I closed my eyes, I could see the light dancing through the trees. It reminded me of the way you used to move. The smile that told me how much you loved me. The color of your eyes when the sun hit them just right.

In that moment, I felt you surrounding me. I waited for the grief to wash over me, but there was nothing. My heart didn’t explode in my chest from the ache of your absence. I didn’t crumple to the ground and sob. No, this time darling, I smiled. I was so damn lucky to know you. And I would keep you with me forever.

© Sarah Doughty

This was written in response to the #NovemberNotes challenge. Today’s inspiration was Holocene by Bon Iver.

Random Thoughts, Updates

This Current State Of Being

Hello lovelies, I thought it was about time to check in again. As you’re probably aware, I’ve been suffering from various illnesses for the majority of this year, and as far as I can tell, this is only going to continue.

While the horrendously long migraine ended, I’m still plagued several times a week by them. So, I suppose one positive is that not every day is bad in that regard.

Once I kicked the Springtime cold from hell, the next round of issues popped up. A few months of physical therapy to fix my back thanks to a sagging mattress and a couch that was well beyond its life expectancy was just the tip of the iceberg. Apparently, my thyroid isn’t performing correctly, which several specialists are optimistic that resolving this issue would improve the frequency and severity of my migraines, as well as help with other health-related issues, I don’t share their happy perspectives.

These migraines have been around for some time, and I was still able, most days, to do some of my therapeutic activities. But now, there’s more than just my C-PTSD and migraines to nag me. My concentration is worse, and my physical energy levels have been declining.

You’d think a simple pill to fix my thyroid would do the trick, but unfortunately, I’m one of the unlucky few to have the opposite reaction. Rather than helping that little gland perform, those meds hit the off switch. Let me tell you, getting out of bed just to go to the bathroom made me want to cry. And this went on for over a month while my doctor tinkered with the dosage to see if I would improve.

So now, I’m waiting in limbo to see a specialist for that, while I continue to feel like half of my functionality has been taken from me. I remain hopeful that this will be light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m not holding my breath. A worsened depression can be thanked for this current mindset. But could you blame me for feeling a little extra down?

This, of course brings us to now. As you’ve probably noticed. My Thirteen Reasons Why series was never completed, my next novel and poetry book were never finished, and my newsletters have gone unsent. In the rare days I’m feeling productive (using the term very loosely), I have been able to mock up new book cover designs for my fiction, which I hope to begin unveiling once I finish this novel that’s been collecting dust for months. But I have no idea when that might be.

My ability to keep up with blog posts has significantly diminished, as have my responses to comments. I really need to make more of an effort to keep up with those, at the very least. And I do thank each and every one of you that continue to leave comments, despite my silence.

I miss the way things were, and I cannot stress enough how much I want to get back to that. As always, thank you for letting me vent a little, and know that I’m doing my very best to get back to where I was before, at the very least.

© Sarah Doughty

Poetry

Yours

“All I ever wanted was a chance.
To be yours.”

All I ever wanted was a chance. A chance at life. A chance to be happy, to persue my dreams, to be loved. To be yours. I wanted what so many other people felt. That feeling like you’re flying. Like your whole body is hyperaware. I wanted a heart that could run wild. But after everything, what I needed wasn’t a love with abandon. I needed tenderness, understanding, devotion. Safety.

I thought I could never have that with you. And I’m grateful every day that I was wrong.

© Sarah Doughty

This was written in response to the #NovemberNotes challenge. Today’s inspiration was Wild Heart by The Bleachers feat. Sara Bareilles.