Poetry

The Reason

“For better or worse, I am me.
Because I refused to let you
be the reason I would fail.”

I am the reason, you said. The result of what’s left after the darkness fulfilled your needs. After this wolf sunk his teeth into his meal, I am the resulting creature. I have to remind myself that this isn’t a dream I can wake from. That the predator prowling in the dark is everywhere. In the very air I breathe. The frayed carped beneath my bare skin. It’s not something I can escape. And that aftertaste that lingers on my tongue is just an echo of what you savored like it was your last meal. It’s just another reminder of how far you’d go to get your fill.

I am the reason for you. Forever your prey. Always at your mercy.

© Sarah Doughty

I am the reason
the me I am today exists at all.
Because I refused to let you be
the reason I would fail.

Poetry

Wrong

“When you ask me what’s wrong,
I don’t know how to answer.”

When you ask me what’s wrong, I honestly don’t know how to answer. I can feel that I’m slipping over the edge of an endless abyss. But I don’t know what awaits at the bottom. I don’t know if it’s just one of those chasms that makes everything disappear, or if it’s going to be something good. Like light. Or hope. Or, maybe, it’s just a means of breaking me down into my last remaining pieces, each one no bigger than a grain of sand. And here, at this edge, time seems to drag on as I try to hold on. I want to keep trying, but something is going to give and I know it’s only a matter of time before I sink.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

How can I tell you what’s wrong,
when I don’t even know?

When I wrote this, I was reminded
of Bing Bong from Inside Out. That strange
cotton candy/raccoon/dolphin/elephant hybrid
that was Riley’s imaginary friend in her early years.
The Memory Dump, where old memories go to die,
was where Bing Bong selflessly and happily met his end.

Take her to the moon for me, okay?

Poetry

Carvings

“My heart was laid bare
and your name was carved
into its walls.”

The silver blade flashed against the moonlight and though I couldn’t be sure, I thought I heard it sing as it sliced through the air. It was as if the silver were alive. And it danced to some melody only it could hear. When it connected to raw flesh, it cut with precision down to the bone in one clean swipe, leaving behind a searing, white hot pain that wouldn’t let go. That’s what it felt like when I first laid my eyes upon you. It was as if your soul cut through every defense I had like it was nothing. In an instant, my heart was laid bare and your name was carved into its walls.

© Sarah Doughty

Somehow being so vulnerable made me feel free.
It was exhilarating.

Poetry

My Everything

“And I owe you everything.
Because you saved me from myself.
You became my everything.”

Tonight, it feels like you’re miles away from me. And all that’s left is me and the moon. It’s not yet full, but it’s still glowing through my windows, reminding me that I’m not alone. I know that no matter how much sleep I lose, or how much agony I feel, you will be there waiting for me with open arms. And I know that is the comfort I really need.

I don’t know if there are enough words to tell you how much I love you for that. But not just for being my rock. For being there. No matter where my moods were swinging. No matter when I couldn’t speak through my tears. You’ve made me laugh, you’ve given me tears of genuine happiness. And I owe you everything. I owe you my undying gratitude for being the one that saved me from myself. For being the one person that understands me on a level no one else ever has. For standing still when my mind travels light years away, and waiting patiently for me to return again.

What can I possibly say to encompass what you mean to me? You are my everything. And I thank my lucky stars and the moon every night for a chance to see another day.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

It’s you. It’s always been you.

Poetry

Forest Fires

“I needed something to change.
Where the truth could shine
beneath the moonlight.”

As the heat crawled up my spine, I reveled in the night that surrounded me. These darkened woods were like jumbled thoughts. Intrusions into the void. After so long in the empty, lifeless expanse, I needed something to change. I needed those thorns and brambles to stop poking through my skin, slowly bleeding me dry. I needed more of the lush soil beneath. To find a safe place to land my feet. A place that wouldn’t reach out to bite me when I least expected it. So this night, I set the expanse ablaze. If only to feel the heat and know that the blaze would turn everything to ash. Finally, at last, allowing the truth to take center stage beneath the moonlight.

© Sarah Doughty

The truth that I’m not broken.
I’m just needing to purge
all the ghosts and demons that have claws.

Poetry

Home Again

“And when I crashed into your arms,
I knew I’d made it.
I was home again.”

I traveled so far away from home, that I forgot to leave breadcrumbs to find my way back. And I suppose that’s when the helplessness seeped in. That’s when I realized I’d lost my way. I’d lost my home. Out there, in that wilderness, I was lost. Alone. Afraid.

It pulled me deeper into the darkness like a perpetual night without stars or the moon to illuminate my way. But my heart was still filled with love. So I kept holding on. I kept my grip on to hope. And I refused to give up. Admitting defeat wasn’t an option. Accepting that I would never see you again. And I knew, that one day, I would find my way back to you.

After what felt like forever, dawn broke over that horizon and I saw the sun hit your face. My body, cold from the elements, exhausted beyond measure, warmed at the first glimpse of you. I held on for my life, and I found my way back home. I found you. And when I crashed into your arms, I knew I’d made it. I was home again. I vowed to never leave your embrace. I would stay in your arms forever. And I would die happy.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

A little hope can go a long way.
Never give up.

Poetry

A Body

“I gave you my heart,
but you wanted one thing.
And I don’t know which part
hurts the worst.”

I gave you my heart from the beginning, but that was never enough. But I suppose that was the point, wasn’t it? I was just another conquest of yours. A body, not some little heart. Something you wanted to taste, but never wanted to keep. And when you got what you wanted, you blew out of my life like a storm, leaving me stripped of my dignity. Leaving me lost. Cold. And alone. But it didn’t matter to you. Because you got what you came for. And you’d already set your sights on someone else. Out of everything, I don’t know which one hurt the most.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

You got what you came for.

Poetry

My Own Home

“And I have everything I need.
Because I am my own home.”

I may look like
I’ve been through hell,
because I have.
So don’t think
for a second
that I will let you
trample over me
like I’m nothing.

I’m worth so much
more than that.
I’m worth loving.
I’m worth being loved
in return. And if you
can’t see that,
then I don’t
need you here.
I have everything I need.
Because I am my own home.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

I am my own home.

Poetry

The Puppeteer

“I was your broken little puppet.
With her strings still attached.
Too bad I didn’t stay that way.”

And I was your broken little puppet. With her strings still attached. You see, I knew what you wanted from me. I knew what drove your mind that night, without you ever uttering a word. How odd it is to fathom how I was so lost — so well trained — that I performed exactly as expected of me. It was the look I felt in your eyes as you looked at me, silhouetted by the flames. It was you, and everything about you. It was the way my body moved against my will. How my feet kept moving despite my mind’s screams to tell me to stop. Maybe that was when I realized, I wasn’t a puppet any longer, but a mindless drone. Nothing, but a shell. My body, a husk.

Empty. Alone. And afraid.

Too bad I didn’t stay that way.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

And I refuse to ever go back.

Poetry

Gloom And Doom

“So yes, my mind is a tomb.
But it isn’t all gloom
and doom in here.”

After so long, I’ve come to accept the tomb that is my mind. It never fails to move closer to the encroaching darkness. It never stops scratching at the walls with bloodied, ragged fingernails. Sending shudders down my spine with each screeching swipe. It reminds me of all that has happened, and for good measure, it often makes me relive them. But that’s not everything that lives there. There’s some beautiful moments too. The kind that we’ll make me smile no matter what I’m doing. So yes, my mind is a tomb. But it isn’t all gloom and doom in here.

© Sarah Doughty

It’s a mix of good and bad.
Just like me.