Poetry

Adrift

“No matter what I do, silence follows me.
And I fear I’m drifting away.”

Words hang off the top of my tongue but there’s no air to make a sound. These words howl in my head as they claw at the surface like caged animals trying to escape. No matter what I do, silence follows me. Lacking the willpower to speak my mind and say honestly what I want or need, it feels as though I’m further separating myself from everything around me. Like a vessel with no sail or engine, completely at the whim of the current. Only, I have no idea how to stop or change this course.

© Sarah Doughty

Perhaps I am destined
to be lost.

Poetry

More

“But you. You were something different.
You kept me coming back for more.”

This fire is what sustains me. It runs through my veins like acid. It surrounds my skin and leaves nothing but steam within my bones. This fire has filled my lungs with smoke and charred all that I was. It reshaped me into something new. Something most people couldn’t handle.

But you. You were something different. Something I could touch. Something that could withstand my heat. Something that ignited me, only to stoke the flames even higher. All without ever getting burned.

You knew exactly what to do with me, and kept me coming back for more.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

Icarus has nothing on us and never will.

Poetry

The Nothing You Made

“No matter how hard you tried,
you could never break my spirit.”

It took years, but I clawed through the ruins that was my existence. I picked up the salvageable pieces and slowly built myself back up from nothing. The nothing you made of me. I found new pieces to build my foundations, and tossed away the ones you stacked on unstable ground.

And this. This is me now. This is me, living. This is me, standing on my own. No matter how hard you tried, you could never break my spirit.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

Pick yourself up, dust off
the rubble, and rebuild.
Never let them win.

Poetry

Trying

“I’ve tried. What else can I say?
I’ve given my all and still came up short.”

I’ve tried. What else can I say? I’ve given my all and still came up short. Short of obtaining a prize I set for myself. It’s like I’ve been held back by invisible shackles that has more give than a brick wall. Hidden reigns tied around my neck that offer no slack in the line. But I keep tugging and pulling against those restraints, like maybe one day it’ll make a difference. I suppose that’s alright. It means I haven’t given up. It means there’s still hope as long as I keep fighting.

© Sarah Doughty

So that is what I do.

Poetry

No Limitations

“There is nothing I wouldn’t do
if it meant saving you.”

One of the things I learned after becoming a mother wasn’t that little miracle I held in my arms. It was the realization that the little soul we created would always come first. And when it comes to the savagery of that knowledge, there are no limits.

To save the innocence of my child, I would willingly go through hell and back again. I’ve done it before. I can do it again. That life is far more important than mine. And I would sacrifice everything, if necessary.

Remember, half the blood of a monster runs through my veins, and I know what it takes to survive. Never underestimate someone that understands the darkness. Never underestimate a mother.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

If it keeps my child safe,
it’s worth it.

Poetry

Weights

“And this weight is slowly suffocating me.
The weight of loving you.”

And this weight is slowly suffocating me. Building brick by brick, stone by stone until my lungs even cannot withstand it. It’s the weight of loving you. The abundance of feeling that overflows from my skin and spills from my eyes. Can you feel it, too? If only these words carried the weight I feel in my bones. Maybe it won’t be so difficult to understand. Because then, it’ll mean you feel the same way. That you feel the same weight. And isn’t that worth the effort?

© Sarah Doughty

If it isn’t, what is?

Poetry

Searching

“I searched for happiness,
not realizing it was with me all along.”

Over the years, I sacrificed so much of myself in hopes that I would find my happiness. I spent so much time searching for it, that I missed it was with me all along. It was with you. It was within me. It was all around me. I just needed to open my eyes and truly see.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

I found me.

Poetry

If Only

“If only is a dream I’m not sure
will ever come to pass.”

I am trapped in the undergrowth. Buried beneath the jumble of desiccated bones made up of bramble and fallen sticks. Wrapped in this unwanted embrace of nature’s discarded debris, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be comforted in the arms of someone I both love and trust. And these ragged fingers of mine have spent far too long clawing at the decrepit soil that it feels as if I’m becoming part of this forgotten wood. If only I knew how to find myself. The real me. If only I could break free and be, simply, me.

© Sarah Doughty

If only is a dream I’m not sure
will ever come to pass.

Poetry

The Afterlife

“Maybe I’ll see you
in the afterlife and tell you
all I needed to say.”

All these letters I’ve written were for you. All those thoughts I wanted to say, but couldn’t force myself to speak them. All I felt in my heart, but couldn’t bear to feel rejection. Why couldn’t I tell you when it would have mattered? Would it have made a difference?

Even if I sent them into the universe, you would never see them. And I wonder if you knew how much I loved you.

So I’ll keep them with me, and never sign my name. Maybe when I’m gone too I’ll bring them with me. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll see you in the afterlife and tell you all I needed to say instead.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

They were all for you.

Poetry

Respire

“Just keep going and hold on
to those little slivers of light you find.”

In this moment, I need to exhale all this smoke that’s been building inside of me. All those insults, negativity, and hurtful things thrown at me only seemed to stick like sludge on a wall. It remained there, taunting me. Spreading ever so slightly. I need to let it all go. To let it all fly away and dissipate into nothingness. This respire, right now, is all that matters to me. And during that, I’ll keep reminding myself that all will be okay. Just keep going and hold on to those little slivers of light you find.

© Sarah Doughty

Just keep going.