Saving You

“Darling, the irony is that
you think I saved you.”

Sometimes I’m okay. Sometimes, I don’t think about what’s changed. I don’t think about the things that broke me. The things that tore me down. And sometimes the light is too bright for those demons to creep around the edges of the darkness and whisper horrible things to me.

But then all of a sudden, it stops. I can’t breathe. My heart begins to race. My knees are weak and I can’t help but shake all over. It feels like I’m drowning. And then, I’m gone. I become someone else. I lose myself for a time. Somewhere, along the way, I forget how to breathe in. The process that is always so automatic is lost to me for a time. I can’t inhale. I can’t let all the air out of my lungs. It’s like my body forgets everything. For a time.

I always come back though. I can suddenly breathe again. And oxygen races through my bloodstream like battery acid. So, maybe that’s what I fear so much. I never know when I’ll go away, or how long it’ll be until I’ll come back. But I do know one thing. You help me stay me. For longer. You help me find myself faster.

You are my life preserver, darling. I don’t know if you’re even aware of how much you’ve saved me over the years.

The funny thing is, you think I saved you.

© Sarah Doughty
2018

For Pumpkin, one of the greatest dogs
I’ve ever loved.
UPDATE: We said goodbye back in February
and it was heartbreaking
to hold her while she left.

She was always there
when I needed her and it broke
my heart watching her grow older.
Slower. I know her days were numbered.
And that hourglass ran out of sand.
I’ll never stop loving her
as fiercely as she loved me.