In My Head

“We are perfect.
It’s just you and me
and that’s all that matters.”

In my head, we are perfect. We snuggle and hold each other every night. We kiss every chance we have, and sometimes just get lost in each other’s eyes. Those moments are the ones I live for. The ones where everything else falls away. And I know, it’s just you and me and that’s all that matters.

But on the outside, I’m keeping my distance from you, and no matter how much screaming goes on in my head, I can’t reach out to hold your hand, or to lean into your side and let you hold me. I find it hard to kiss you with abandon — like any normal couple would. I can barely look in your eyes, not because they aren’t breathtaking — because they are. And I know, if I let you see, you’ll see the pain in mine.

Intimacy isn’t easy for a survivor like me. But I try the best I can to give you what you deserve.
And I know. I know I’m failing. Every day, I fail you.

In my head, we are perfect. But outside, there’s a wedge between us that I can’t seem to bridge. I’ll keep trying to find my way to you. Because those are the moments I live for.

© Sarah Doughty

One day, maybe, I won’t fail.
Please don’t give up on me yet.

1 thought on “In My Head”

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