Pillow Thoughts

“Sometimes, when my head hits the pillow,
I wonder if you’d be happier if I was gone.”

Every night, when my head hits the pillow, thoughts run through my mind. About us. What we were. What we could have been. How everything has changed — and not all for the better. Sometimes I wonder if you’d be happier if I wasn’t here. And sometimes, once my thoughts quiet, I dream of that reality. I see the smiles. The way you don’t carry stress in your shoulders. Like you’re waiting for the shoe to drop. The freedom in your eyes. Like you’re no longer burdened by me. And when I wake, the thoughts stir once more.

Those dreams. They feel so real. Even though what I see is beautiful, it breaks my heart to wonder if that would be your reality if I was gone.

© Sarah Doughty

Maybe it’s The silence
of the night
that makes me pause.

19 thoughts on “Pillow Thoughts”

    1. I know what you mean. Sometimes my mind drifts to these rather impossible hypotheticals and, most likely as a result of the abuse I endured as a child, I tend to believe them as more likely than not. I try to stop myself, but it seems a default setting I can’t quite figure out how to reprogram.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah it is involuntary at times, and there’s no permanent solution. I guess we need to just hypothesise on both sides of the coin, the good and bad, maybe then we can find a little balance


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