I Am A Mask

“All I am is a mask, trying to cover
all this pain I feel.”

Sometimes, on the surface, I seem like a perfectly happy person with this perfectly happy life and a loving family. Though I don’t talk about them in detail much, I can say that my life is far from perfect. I still have pain every day. I still have habits I developed as a child as both a coping mechanism and an attempt at making myself undesirable by the man that abused me every night. Though that last part failed, the coping did help to an extent, which is probably why I still use it today. But mostly, underneath it all, I’m not just in pain. I’m suffering. The guilt I carry every day over what happened then, and what I carry now, for not being okay, is almost too much for me to bear. But I do it. And I will keep doing it for a long as it takes.

© Sarah Doughty

It’s not just my family
that deserves normalcy,
but I deserve it too.
And that, right there
is a step in the right direction.
I deserve it too.

19 thoughts on “I Am A Mask”

  1. my aesthetic of novella; i was wearing a masquerade with green eyeshadow on and pink lipstick that look like cotton candy, then the psychotic greeny edward hyde came in and was wearing a masquerade that have the look of the devil. it was some sort of a trick or treat party?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for the encouragement. I thought… for quite some Time… my real strength was in my trained hands and feet. I followed that 6 Year olds Dream to reclaim what had been lost and taken… by Living and Training with the Ninja of Japan. At 22. Now, many Years later. Here i, Shiro sit. Crying. Yet and so. Stronger than ever. For now. I feel. Too. Best of Luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes you do deserve it!
    I can relate to the mask. I often smile and pretend but inside I’m feeling shy and nervous or on the bad days so depressed I’m sure that others can see my dark thoughts. I am sorry for what happened to you. But it is NOT your fault. You were a child and deserved a home safe from fear. Now you are a survivor sharing your story to make meaning and bring good into the world. Thank you for this brave step.

    Liked by 1 person

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