Poetry, Random Thoughts

Running Low

“My well of hope is running low.
There’s only a few drops left and
they’re evaporating at an alarming rate.”

I’m sorry that I’m not perfect. I’m sorry that what I’ve done has come up short. I’m sorry for always being sorry. As much as I try to be a good friend, a good wife, or a good mother, somewhere along the way, I mess up. And I fear that no matter what I do, or want to do, nothing will be enough. But that’s the way of the world. At least, it’s my world. And today, my well of hope is running low. There’s only a few drops left and they’re evaporating at an alarming rate.

In grade school, I was the one parents forced their kids to accept. And while I was tolerated for a little while, I could always hear the snickering behind me. I could hear the irritation in their voices when they finally told me I was no longer worthy of being a friend of pity. That I was the one hated — the one they bullied and said it was only a joke.

High school wasn’t much different. I was the one with access to a car so I could be one they called when they wanted to see someone else. I was the smart one. Tolerable just long enough to cheat off my tests or to copy my homework. I was the one too miserable to make any profound effort — because nothing was ever good enough — what my abuser told me at home every night was reinforced each and every day at school by people. My friends. My enemies. My bullies.

Over the years, not much has changed. I’ve found a few real friends. They are few and far between. And, though I do my best, it’s never enough.

© Sarah Doughty

No, I’m not okay. But I will be.
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19 thoughts on “Running Low”

  1. I relate to this post a lot.

    As a wife, mother, and friend, I always feel what I manage to do isn’t good enough. No matter what I do or say, I feel like I fail the ones I love. My anxiety and depression play a part in it, but destructive criticism by adults close to me, do too.

    Like you, I wasn’t popular in school. At one point, I thought it would be great, but then I witnessed the popular kids making fun of one of their own when one was absent. So, I ignored their dislike of me by getting lost in fiction. I became friends with a couple of people, who were also unpopular, and to this day, I only have a couple of close friends. I would rather have a two or three close friends than a myriad of fake ones.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Every day is a battle. Here’s a truth. There is no other measuring rod than your own. I hate to paraphrase rock songs, but when you think your life is all confusion, and your neighbor has it made? Remember it’s all a Grand Illusion. And deep inside we’re all the same. And eveything else? Is bullshit. Hang in there. The Sh*t monsoons we manufacture for ourselves don’t last forever. Step up, step off, put it where it belongs. Apologies to Dennis DeYoung, “The Grand Illusion”.

    Like

  3. Sarah… My “like” goes to how amazingly you pen bad feelings just like you know how to paint the most beautiful love pieces with your words. I am sorry that you are not doing well, but you have a great soul, that resonates here in your writings… Everyone around would agree. You are “enough” but I get how you may feel like it is not the case…. *love*

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Feel like we would have been good friends in school though we probably wouldn’t have said a word to each other…. I was all those things as well and afterwards I was nothing at all… Some of it was self imposed, but that was a defensive mechanism I have cared with me into adult hood… I don’t find it hard to talk to people.. I find it hard connecting to others on a meaningful level…Another amazing piece.

    Like

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