“My well of hope is running low.
There’s only a few drops left and
they’re evaporating at an alarming rate.”
I’m sorry that I’m not perfect. I’m sorry that what I’ve done has come up short. I’m sorry for always being sorry. As much as I try to be a good friend, a good wife, or a good mother, somewhere along the way, I mess up. And I fear that no matter what I do, or want to do, nothing will be enough. But that’s the way of the world. At least, it’s my world. And today, my well of hope is running low. There’s only a few drops left and they’re evaporating at an alarming rate.
In grade school, I was the one parents forced their kids to accept. And while I was tolerated for a little while, I could always hear the snickering behind me. I could hear the irritation in their voices when they finally told me I was no longer worthy of being a friend of pity. That I was the one hated — the one they bullied and said it was only a joke.
High school wasn’t much different. I was the one with access to a car so I could be one they called when they wanted to see someone else. I was the smart one. Tolerable just long enough to cheat off my tests or to copy my homework. I was the one too miserable to make any profound effort — because nothing was ever good enough — what my abuser told me at home every night was reinforced each and every day at school by people. My friends. My enemies. My bullies.
Over the years, not much has changed. I’ve found a few real friends. They are few and far between. And, though I do my best, it’s never enough.
© Sarah Doughty
I relate to this post a lot.
As a wife, mother, and friend, I always feel what I manage to do isn’t good enough. No matter what I do or say, I feel like I fail the ones I love. My anxiety and depression play a part in it, but destructive criticism by adults close to me, do too.
Like you, I wasn’t popular in school. At one point, I thought it would be great, but then I witnessed the popular kids making fun of one of their own when one was absent. So, I ignored their dislike of me by getting lost in fiction. I became friends with a couple of people, who were also unpopular, and to this day, I only have a couple of close friends. I would rather have a two or three close friends than a myriad of fake ones.
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Yes, so very true. It was interesting to see how those kinds of people would tear each other down when they could. But also sad. It must have been quite lovely for them.
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We all mess up; no one is perfect save Christ. Thank you for penning this.
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True. Thank you, love.
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Most welcome, Sarah! ❤
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Painfully familiar
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I’m sorry that it is. It’s such a rough feeling.
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Wishing you strength, healing, and peace.
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Every day is a battle. Here’s a truth. There is no other measuring rod than your own. I hate to paraphrase rock songs, but when you think your life is all confusion, and your neighbor has it made? Remember it’s all a Grand Illusion. And deep inside we’re all the same. And eveything else? Is bullshit. Hang in there. The Sh*t monsoons we manufacture for ourselves don’t last forever. Step up, step off, put it where it belongs. Apologies to Dennis DeYoung, “The Grand Illusion”.
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Heart felt and shared. Never stop writing.
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You are real, amazing and a powerful writer!! Big hugs today and every day!!
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Sarah… My “like” goes to how amazingly you pen bad feelings just like you know how to paint the most beautiful love pieces with your words. I am sorry that you are not doing well, but you have a great soul, that resonates here in your writings… Everyone around would agree. You are “enough” but I get how you may feel like it is not the case…. *love*
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You are beautiful. You are. All stars shine, it’s just sometimes we don’t notice who’s looking because we think we don’t shine far enough. ❤️
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My ‘like’ on this one means “I hear you.” I can relate to this feeling. ❤
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This is so much of heart breaking.
Yes you will be okay, you have to. We all have to. I loved this word from
Word.
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Feel like we would have been good friends in school though we probably wouldn’t have said a word to each other…. I was all those things as well and afterwards I was nothing at all… Some of it was self imposed, but that was a defensive mechanism I have cared with me into adult hood… I don’t find it hard to talk to people.. I find it hard connecting to others on a meaningful level…Another amazing piece.
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You’re always OK in my books, sadly i have not written any, but in any case you’re a very responsible friend….
i miss you
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You are amazing. I’m always here for you.
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Reblogged this on crjen1958.
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